Coming home as an 'adult' is not an easy task. This is the first time I've stayed in a house that's not my own for an extended period of time in months, and aside from missing both Alex and my personal space, I've been having another problem. Namely, the whole house is saturated with animal products. I used to be able to simply ignore it, but after living in the vegan zone that is our apartment for the past nine months, I'm surprised at how bothered I am. I feel like a snot, but reaching into our refrigerator and smelling the milk has brought me to the edge of tears more than once this week.
The bothering is stressing me out a little, but nothing compared to my mother. I love my mother very much, but her attitude towards me/veganism/animals is confusing at times and downright anxiety-attack producing at others. I'm completely unable to talk to her because she merely shuts down and tells me to be quiet, because it makes her sad. There are times when I'm not even on the subject and she gets upset at me and accuses me of trying to "force my views on others." She's willing to buy me vegan food, and even try some, but she simply shuts down whenever I mention anything that has to do with animals. She's an intelligent, caring, loving woman who just doesn't, for some reason, make the connection between the love for animals I know she feels, and what she's putting in her mouth and on her body.
It's the hardest thing I've had to deal with in a long time, and I'm struggling not to come to the conclusion that my mom just doesn't care. I love her so much and I always thought she was a truly good person. In all my years as a vegetarian I never brought up the subject to her, but now that I have, I feel a little lost. I wish I could explain to her just how much this means, but I feel completely incapable. It's not that I want to force my views on anyone, it's that I genuinely believe that if people understood the how and the why, they'd readily accept. Especially my mom. But I can't explain if they just shut down. It's been bringing me down to the point where I feel absolutely useless, hence the lack of writing.
Any advice?
Hi Jenny,
This is something you're going to struggle with for a long time, unless you can learn to let go. It's your mom's life. It's her choice what she does. Just as you control your life and your decisions.
It's very hard to get people to change. They have to want to. Think about it as if your mom was 100 pounds overweight. No matter how well meaning your comments to her would be, she would likely take them as harassment (of course, I don't know your mom) and be resentful of you.
The fact that your mom buys you vegan products is excellent. Don't discount that just because she isn't partaking in the lifestyle herself.
As Lane and I have moved more into animal welfare on our vegan journey, we sometimes find it difficult to keep our thoughts to ourselves. However, we respect our family and friends and if/when they are interested we'll share. People have to be ready to hear things for them to change. And this is a tough thing to get your mind around. It's one of those problems that seems insurmountable that most people just want to ignore it.
We believe that by being compassionate vegans we'll get more people interested in trying our way of eating (rather than scaring them off), and this is the perfect entree into the philosophy. Once they see it's easy and the food tastes good, then maybe they'll be interested in learning about animal rights. Regardless (hopefully) they'll still be eating fewer animal products.
It's late and I'm rambling. Basically, I would say, leave it alone. You've shared, they're not interested... If you continue to share after they've asked you not to, all that will happen is that you will wind up generating a huge amount of resentment. Is it worth it? Not everyone is going to think like you do, even about the most important issues. You have to learn to be accepting of that fact.
Good luck!
Jane of VeganBits.com
ps - love the counter you've got running.
Perhaps you could try talking to her about speciesism - you know, "ask for her opinion" to "see if this argument makes sense" and explain how we are a species of animals, and our attitude of assuming that all other animals exist for our use is a form of prejudice, speciesism, that, on reflection, doesn't seem to be any more justifiable than racism and sexism, etc.
Tell her that for you, as her child, you would like her to see a film. Show her Earthlings.
But there's one thing that really works: Gary Francione. I interviewed him for a documentary I'm working on, and when I showed the interview to my Mom she decided to become vegan. I only showed it to her after we discussed this issues in detail, though.
You can borrow a copy again when you come to DC, or I can mail you one to show your mom if you'd like.
And yes, in terms of the rest of your family and friends, talk about it when it comes up, and act excited ("this is my favorite topic! It's fascinating!") so you seem endearing rather than threatening, and give them some leaflets if it works. peta2's "Animal Liberation Project" just came out with a little new leaflet that I use when I discuss speciesism with people. You can have a few. I have like 3,000. This is all even better with people you don't know particularly well.
Most of my friends have become at least vegetarian. However, I once broke up with a girl because I couldn't take that she ate eggs - I couldn't kiss her anymore. It happens. She had freckles.
Hello! I absolutely do remember you, and now you should have my email address need be.
Onto my actual comment: Parents are frustrating in the way that when they don't understand us, they think that they have failed us. fortunately for me i never had religious or food-type disagreements with my parents. but something that barely touches close is my mom's contention for my clothing and style. it drives her nuts that i don't wear my hair curly, that i polish my nails black from time to time, and that i would wear anything that she wouldn't.
it got to the point, before i moved out, that i learned to stop trying to explain myself, stop trying to validate it to her. she will not understand because she does not WANT to understand. and in that instance there is no battle, and therefore no point. it does NOT make you useless, it just makes your breath useless. do not allow her to make you feel this way since most likely that isn't her intent anyway.
be you, that is all you can do. and you seem pretty cool anyway, so you can't be doing too much wrong!
Thanks to you all for your replies. After thinking about it for a couple days, I've decided that I'm just going to do my utmost to say very little to her that could even come close to broaching the topic, and then in a couple weeks I'm going to ask her if she'll sit down and have an adult, non-judgmental conversation about it.
It still hurts a little that she's so dismissive and sensitive about the subject, but I still believe that deep down she's the kind of person who gets what we're talking about, even though she doesn't know she gets it. The care and compassion she's showed for our family animals and the way she feels about them makes me believe there's something there to speak too. I also think she has a lot of problems really committing to something, and that she's scared her peers will disapprove. So maybe sitting down and explaining that this isn't just some fad, some phase, and that it isn't just an opinion will make her understand how incredibly important this is.
The best part of this whole situation? My younger sister overheard our original fight, and decided that she's no longer going to drink milk. Apparently she loves soy milk.